What is today?

The milk carton in the fridge says March 24. I've been looking at it for a few days and wondering why March 24 gave me that feeling. You know the one: there's something I'm supposed to remember about March 24. March 24. What is it about March 24? Today, I was running it around my head again. What is it about today? Finally I remembered. March 24 was Isaac's due date. I was sad that I didn't remember that detail about something so important. I find it upsetting because I've always wanted to remember everything I could about Isaac, and to know that it wasn't the first thing on my mind worries me. I know there are other things taking my attention these days, but I still want hold on to the small things about my experience with Isaac.

I read Stacy Delisle's post about her Isaac and Eliana. I've thought so much about how we'll be able to keep Isaac a part of our lives and teach Nathaniel about his brother when his life was short. Her post was encouraging. It is possible that Nathaniel will understand he's a little brother. My only struggle now is being able to talk with him about it. Any time I've tried, I've been close to tears. It's nearly impossible to speak over the lump in my throat. I hope I'll be able to do what Stacy has done and help Nathaniel know how important his brother was and still is to us, even if I don't always remember all the tiny details.

Laughing Baby

Nathaniel started laughing last week, but it was nearly impossible to get video evidence. He's too mesmerized by the camera! I was finally able to get him on video. CJay had just gotten home from work and was only talking to Nathaniel, but I guess that was enough!

Happy Birthday

Isaac would be 2 today. I imagine that we would have traveled to Tennessee this weekend to be with our families. There would have been balloons and cake. Grandparents would have been snapping pictures and enjoying their little energetic grandchild.

I really don't let myself explore the "what ifs" and the "could have beens". It's a road that leads nowhere and really only makes me sadder. The truth is that this weekend is hard. We miss our first born. CJay and I have to talk about what was happening this time 2 years ago and remember the agony of letting go of our son. It's part of the process, I know. So many parents have done this too.

Losing Isaac was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, but I'm so thankful for what Isaac's life gave us. I miss him everyday and would give almost anything to see his sweet face again.


Happy Birthday, Isaac Liam. You are missed!