Wednesday, December 16, 2009


“The years that are gone seem like dreams—if one might go on sleeping and dreaming—but to wake up and find—oh! well! Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one’s life.”
- Edna, The Awakening

I remembered something today.

I remember when the nurse came in my room on Saturday all those months ago. I remember being ready to leave, moving slowly, deliberately, so as not to jar my incision. I remember standing near the window in my room. The nurse was shorter than me and her hair was dark. She, like all the other nurses, exuded sympathy when she entered my room. Of course they knew. I remember the nurse saying she was sorry. Sorry about my baby. She meant it; I could tell.

I spoke as deliberately as I moved: "Thank you. He was worth it. It's really important to me that people know. He was worth it."
She began to cry and left the room.

It is as easy for me to forget that Isaac was worth it as it is for me to remember that moment and that feeling. Maybe it sounds odd, but the pain can be debilitating. Sometimes I don't want to go there. Most of the time I struggle with knowing that these feelings are just part of who I am. But so is Isaac. His short life and death awakened in me something that I may never fully understand. I think it's strength and determination and maybe some grace. It's been so hard, and Christmas has made this month even harder, but I'm so thankful.

Perhaps it IS better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one’s life. After all, my life is richer and more meaningful now.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Letter to Kay Jewelers

To Whom It May Concern:

I saw your latest Christmas commercial again last night. You know, the one where the mom is rocking her infant next to the Christmas tree. Her husband walks in and she says, "You're up? It's 2 a.m." He replies, "It's not just 2 a.m. It's 2 a.m. Christmas morning. Our first Christmas together as a family."

I know the powers that be are just tugging at the heart strings to make some sales. I know you think it's sweet and so many Americans can relate to that special first Christmas as a family. But there are those of us who are trying to forget that this SHOULD have been their first Christmas as a family. There are those of us who are buying gifts, trimming the tree, and watching movies in a vain attempt to forget that this year SHOULD have been sweet and memorable, but it's really not.

I'm not asking you to take the commercial off the air, but maybe give us a warning: "The commercial you're about to see is graphic, and viewer discretion is advised."


P.S. I might feel better if you send diamonds or maybe gold.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Prayers for a friend

My friend, Kimberly, is in need of prayers. Her son, Hudson, was born still at 30 weeks back in January, and she's now 10 weeks along with another child. She's seeing a specialist tomorrow because her doctor is concerned about something he saw on the ultrasound. I'm including the link to her blog, so you can read her latest post.

Happily Henninger