Friday, January 28, 2011

What I wish...

I wish this was my second time with an 8.5 week old.

I wish we were rummaging through infant clothes that we had packed away when Isaac outgrew them.

I wish we were propping Nathaniel in Isaac's lap for pictures.

I wish we could marvel at both our boys.

I wish Isaac could love Nathaniel.

I wish we were chasing an almost 2 year old around the house.

I wish Isaac was here now.

Having another baby in the house doesn't mean I've been too busy to think about my first. It's amazing how much more I wonder what he would have been like at Nathaniel's age. Would he have been this easy going? Would he have smiled like Nathaniel smiles? I tried not to think about the what if's after we lost Isaac, but it's nearly impossible not to now that there's a healthy little boy in our house.

What's truly amazing is how much CJay and I value Nathaniel's life and health. Before Nathaniel came we promised each other to keep our perspective. We didn't know how tired we would be or how irritated sleep deprivation could make us, but we've tried our hardest to remember that none of that matters. There were times when other new parents made comments about being so tired and longing for sleep. Like other parents without their babies, CJay and I have talked about how much we wanted to be up at night, if that's what it took to hold Isaac again. What matters is that every hour of sleep lost is worth it. We wouldn't trade it. Of course, it's hard, but Nathaniel is such a worthy little investment of our time and we're so incredibly thankful for what we have now and for what we've lost.


Heather Brummett said...

I'm praying for you and your sweet family. I can't say that I understand exactly what you feel like, but I have somewhat of an idea. Cherish every single moment, both good and bad with that sweet little boy. I know what you mean about the complaints from others. People take their sweet babies for granted and what they don't realize is that there are a lot of people who would do anything to trade places with them and have what they do. God bless all of you. You, C-Jay, and Nathaniel have a very special guardian angel watching over you.

Becka said...

Nathaniel is beautiful! So sweet! And people with healthy babies should NOT take it for granted...I actually remember being up on night with Abby, it was 2 or 3 a.m. and all i wanted was for her to quit fussing so I could go to bed. And suddenly from nowhere you guys crossed my mind, and I felt ashamed because I knew you'd probably give anything to be up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby. I prayed right then and asked for forgiveness, and honestly since that night I have NEVER minded being up with my kids! Enjoy every second with Nathaniel, and God bless you all!

Jackie said...

Oh yes. Thank you for this post.