I wish this was my second time with an 8.5 week old.
I wish we were rummaging through infant clothes that we had packed away when Isaac outgrew them.
I wish we were propping Nathaniel in Isaac's lap for pictures.
I wish we could marvel at both our boys.
I wish Isaac could love Nathaniel.
I wish we were chasing an almost 2 year old around the house.
I wish Isaac was here now.
Having another baby in the house doesn't mean I've been too busy to think about my first. It's amazing how much more I wonder what he would have been like at Nathaniel's age. Would he have been this easy going? Would he have smiled like Nathaniel smiles? I tried not to think about the what if's after we lost Isaac, but it's nearly impossible not to now that there's a healthy little boy in our house.
What's truly amazing is how much CJay and I value Nathaniel's life and health. Before Nathaniel came we promised each other to keep our perspective. We didn't know how tired we would be or how irritated sleep deprivation could make us, but we've tried our hardest to remember that none of that matters. There were times when other new parents made comments about being so tired and longing for sleep. Like other parents without their babies, CJay and I have talked about how much we wanted to be up at night, if that's what it took to hold Isaac again. What matters is that every hour of sleep lost is worth it. We wouldn't trade it. Of course, it's hard, but Nathaniel is such a worthy little investment of our time and we're so incredibly thankful for what we have now and for what we've lost.
