Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Looking back

I didn't intend to go so long between posts, but we've been busy. It's been nice to have things occupying us these past few weeks. CJay is taking courses in preparation for his CPA exam, we went on vacation, and I've traveled for work.

I wanted to write something on September 5. Something that said where we've been, where we're going, how we're feeling. But I didn't. Instead I've been thinking about a different anniversary. We're quickly approaching the 1-year anniversary of that fateful 12-week ultrasound - the day we first heard "cystic hygroma." It was September 18.

I remember how I felt that day. I remember wondering what was taking the doctor so long. She must be busy with another patient, right? I remember Dr. O saying "it's a cystic hygroma." She had just been to a conference where the leading researcher on this topic had been discussing her study results. She gave us the power point presentation with her notes scribbled on the printed slides. Dr. O said the majority of babies with cystic hygromas are born with Turner's syndrome. I knew we weren't having a girl. I knew that all along. (Turner's is a monosomy X chromosomal disorder, meaning it only occurs in girls.) I asked Dr. O a hundred questions. CJay sat quietly most of the time. I think he was in shock at the news.

The anniversary of the beginning of our twisted adventure seems more monumental to me than a 6-month birthday for Isaac. It seems more important to note that we're approaching 1 year since we changed forever. It has been a gradual process. One where we felt mostly like puppets on a stage. It was a process that robbed us of our innocence. No matter how naive that may sound, I believe death does that to its victims. Mostly, it's the only way I know to describe how different I feel and have felt for almost a year.

We've learned many lessons this year, cried a million tears, and marveled over the miracle that lived only 2 days. I'm convinced I'll never know why we went through this, but 1 year later, I know that I would do it all again for those 2 days with Isaac.

1 comment:

Victoria Miller said...

We share the treasure of our two Isaac's days in our arms. Thinking of you Whitney as you weather these hard milestones . . .