One of the many feelings CJay and I have been struggling with these past 8 weeks is how to know who we are now. It's so obvious that losing a child changes you, and that's what everyone says, but how are we supposed to know exactly who we are now? I know eventually we'll be able to look back and see where we've come from and how we've changed, but who are we now, right now?
We've been so scarred by losing Isaac that, of course, we will never be the same, but we can't seem to wrap our minds around exactly how we're different. We're sadder now. We're more thankful. We're somber at times. We're thoughtful and angry and a million other feelings that have no titles. There are times when I think this Isaac-shaped hole can never be filled. And I don't mean replaced, I mean filled. Filled with other children and happier moments. I believe the bible, so I believe God will do what he promises. But I find myself asking God how he intends to fill this hole in our hearts that's so perfectly shaped for that person? For Isaac.
CJay and I are logical people. We can tear away our at feelings in search of logic (and we do), but at the end of the day, grief defies logic. We're spinning on a merry-go-round and when that logic passes, we grab on tight. Eventually we lose our grip and slouch down while we spin around, only to realize we wanted nothing to do with logic anyway. What do we care about logic? We don't even know who we are now.
I know the logical answer - no one will ever take the place, nothing can ever fill that hole, even when you have other children you'll always remember. Yes, I know. I know. But I don't care. I want my Isaac-shaped hole filled with Isaac. I don't want it filled with any other tidbits of happiness. I don't want to sit like a child and force a triangle-shaped block into a square hole. I want it to fit just right.
I don't think there's really an answer for who we are. We're not who we were. We'll never be the same. I believe CJay and I will continue day by day to gracefully accept this trial and turmoil, and we'll turn around one day and look into our past and say, "That was bad, but at least now we know who were back then."