CJay says the darndest things

I came up with this blog idea while I was pregnant. I actually thought of it on Saturday after Thanksgiving and planned to write it on Sunday, but instead I was at the hospital!

Sometimes, CJay really does say the darnedest things, and he's fortunate enough to have a wife with an incredible memory (and a wonderful sense of humor and lovely hair and awesome baking skills ... but I digress). Ha! I decided it would be funny to share some of the comments he made while I was pregnant. I do have his approval for this, but only if I include a disclaimer: "CJay is not a terrible husband and none of these comments made me mad." At least half of that statement is true. :)

(After I got home from class one night at 10:30 and took off my shoes.)
Your feet would only look worse if they were bloody stumps.

Yeah, your nose does look a little bigger.

Have you always had that big freckle on your stomach?

You would not believe how tired I am right now!

Whoa, your hands are really huge!

What are we gonna do if this kid acts like you?

Are you having a contraction? Is this the big one?

I forgot what you looked like when you weren't pregnant.

Can't you just punch yourself in the stomach and get this thing started?
And last but not least...
(When I was ~5 hours into labor)
I'm having terrible heartburn, if that makes you feel any better.

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Just because I'm sharing things about CJay...

While I was sitting in the OR waiting for the doctor to stick a giant needle in my spine, the nurse/surgical tech/whoever she was asked me how I thought my husband was doing in the other room and if I thought he was really nervous. I said, "CJay's probably fine." Later that night I was looking through the pictures CJay had taken when Nathaniel was first born, and there was a picture of him. A picture of him in the other room waiting while I was getting a giant needle stuck in my spine and the lady was asking if he was okay. This is the picture...




As it turns out, CJay was doing just fine.

Two weeks already

It's hard to believe that 2 weeks have passed since Nathaniel first made his grand appearance. I'd say we've been adjusting pretty well to his presence. My mom stayed with us for several days and that made such a difference. She is particularly good at decoding baby language, and CJay and I felt like she shortened our learning curve by miles. I'm recovering better this time around. The doctors assured me it would be an easier surgery because it wasn't emergent, and thankfully, they were right. I've been able to move around and do much more without assistance. I even took my finals last week, and I managed to make an A in my class!

Without further ado, some pictures of Nathaniel.

Nathaniel Is Here!

Nathaniel Christopher is here and he's perfectly healthy! He was born via c-section at 2:41 pm on Sunday. I went into labor around 1:30 am Sunday morning, but my contractions weren't close enough together to head to the hospital until 8 am. It was a long wait! Unfortunately, my labor slowed dramatically around 1 pm and the doctor was concerned that Nathaniel was no longer getting enough oxygen from the placenta. I had really hoped for a VBAC this time around, but the doctor said he had a nagging feeling that Nathaniel wasn't going to do well if my labor continued so slowly. I wasn't happy about the c-section, but of course, there was no question that the baby's well-being came first.
We're all doing well right now. I'm sore, but this time around has been nothing like the first. I'm moving around much better and feeling like I might actually heal sooner. Hopefully, we'll be taking the little guy home on Wednesday. I'll post more pictures soon.



Nathaniel's first moment on earth.







Looking a little like Mr. Magoo!

38 weeks!

I'm doing well and things seem to be progressing normally with the little guy. The doctor says she thinks he won't be a very large baby, maybe 7.5 pounds. I'm okay with that as long as he's healthy! I know she could also be wrong with her estimate, but we'll find out soon enough. I'm feeling all the normal aches and pains, and I'm extremely swollen. But those are really my only complaints! I'm almost finished with this semester too. Part of me hopes Nathaniel will hold out until I'm done. Unfortunately, that means he would have to wait until Dec. 7, and for some reason, I don't see that happening.

I had to post this picture just because Risi is in the background.

Faux Thanksgiving

CJay and I decided to have Thanksgiving last weekend. I was saying that we might not have turkey and dressing this year for obvious reasons, and I was really going to miss the feast. CJay suggested we go ahead with the dinner. I cooked all day and couldn't walk by 7:30, but we had fun pigging out at our faux Thanksgiving.

Pictures

I don't like having my picture taken on a good day, which makes pregnancy pictures even less exciting for me. But for the sake of posterity, or something like that, I have been taking belly pictures. (I'm refraining from posting the ones where I'm making faces, but I do have a lot of those.) I hope you all really, really appreciate these!


30 weeks



32 weeks



35.5 weeks

Courage

Courage is a first step, but simply to bear the blow bravely is not enough. Stoicism is courageous, but it is only a halfway house on the long road. It is a shield, permissible for a short time only. In the end, one has to discard shields and remain open and vulnerable. Otherwise, scar tissue will seal off the wound and no growth will follow. To grow, to be reborn, one must remain vulnerable - open to love but also hideously open to the possibility of more suffering.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh from Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead



When I told people I was pregnant again, someone called me courageous. Courageous. I remember thanking her but thinking "courage will only get me so far." I suppose courage really is the first step. It took courage to decide to try for another baby, but courage isn't enough. As the days pass and Nathaniel's arrival draws nearer, I struggle with what I know now: life's last breath in your arms, death of a newborn, profound grief.

Immediately after Isaac's birth and death, I knew I wanted another child, but that certainty waned as the grief grew. The first days afterwards aren't the worst. You might think they are, but as the days pass, your brain begins to comprehend the magnitude of what's happened. And you're hit again and again and again with the pain. I considered the possibility of never having another child because of the pain. I couldn't imagine being pregnant again and facing life's harshest reality. That burden would surely be too big to bear. At times I still think I'm crazy. Crazy to be pregnant again and know life has no guarantees—that living through a tragedy doesn't stop tragedy from finding us again. And yet here we are 7 weeks away from Nathaniel's due date.

I suppose all this is why I'm so drawn to Lindbergh's words. I had my shield up for some time and now I'm vulnerable and hideously open to the possibility of more suffering. But I'm ready. More ready than I thought I would be. Whatever the outcome and as much as I want a perfectly healthy child, I'm ready.